Everybody wants something; we are hardwired that way. It is human biology; you have powerful dopaminergic reward systems that make you want to progress, to discover, to become; to get what you want.

Some people just want a better pair of shoes. Some people want a fancy car and a big house. Some want to create financial “escape velocity,” as I talked about in my last blog and podcast. Some people have the unrealistic desire to create world peace. Zen monks want to want less.

The fact that we want something by definition means that we currently do not have it. That creates a gap between what we have and what we want.

Here’s the inconvenient truth: no external entity can give you what you’re after.

The government can’t; if it could, you would already have everything you want.

“Rich people“ aren’t going to give it to you; if you could find to be if you could find a way to be rich, you wouldn’t give it away either.

Your parents can’t (and shouldn’t) give you everything you want. If you are an adult, shame on you for even thinking about that.

The reality is that you are the only person who can get what you want. To do that, you have to look inward, to an internal source of strength, not hope for an external benefit.

As humans, we are uniquely qualified to bridge the gap between what we have and what we want. We possess three primary tools that allow us to acquire the things we desire.

You Are Responsible

As an adult human, you possess the gift of personal responsibility.

(That is a result of knowing that you are “you.” Self-awareness is not equally distributed among the animal kingdom.)

When you realize that you are responsible for everything in your life, you will immediately start to regain your personal power, and you will stop being a victim of victim mentality.

The only thing you can control is you. You might want to read that again; let it percolate, absorb what it really means.

The power of this thought lies in the fact that if you are responsible for it, you can change it.

When you internalize your locus of control (in the parlance of psychology), you have taken the first step toward getting what it is that you desire. Happiness does not come in the form of a pill, or an injection, or a check, or a relationship. It comes from you, and you alone. This realization is necessary, but not sufficient to put you on the path towards your own happiness.

At this point, most people are have thoughts similar to, “This is absurd. I can’t be responsible for everything because I’m not in control of everything.” This is true, of course, but you are the master of your own internal world. You are responsible for everything you are in control of, and for the rest, you are responsible for the way you react to it.

The only way you can lose this power is to give it away; to let someone else decide how you feel, what you think. And you decide whether or not to let that happen.

The weather may have changed and scuttled your plans. You are obviously not in control of the weather, but you are in control of how you let that external event influence your internal world. You are free to mope and sulk and complain and make yourself and everyone around you miserable. But this is not in alignment with your happiness and is most likely the opposite of what you want. Instead, exert your personal responsibility, adjust your mindset, show some gratitude, and make new plans that will make you happy.

Did somebody say something mean to you? Did you get fired from your job? Did your significant other break up with you? We can discuss how you probably were responsible for those decisions, at least in part, but that’s in the past. The thing you have to deal with now is how to move forward. My advice is to choose a way forward that gives you the least anxiety, the most happiness, and in fact, moves you closer to what you want.

Maybe you wake up one day and discover that your clothes don’t fit and you can no longer see your toes. You might even be dangerously, morbidly obese. This didn’t happen overnight, and won’t be fixed immediately either. There is no surgery or pill or shot that doesn’t come with massive side effects to remedy this situation. As always, you and you alone are responsible for your health. It’s not rocket science; it requires attention to exercise and diet.

And it requires one other thing: the ingredient that most people lack to create change, even though it is within their grasp. And that brings us to the second tool you have to get what you want.

Just Do It

The path towards a better life—towards getting what you want—is steep and narrow.

“The only easy day was yesterday.” “Embrace the suck.” “Stay hard.” “Pain is just weakness leaving the body.” Choose your favorite cliché, or feel free to invent one yourself. Like all clichés, they’re still around because they embody a truth.

The truth is—it ain’t easy to get what you want.

Dopamine may have powered your desire for something better, but it is grit that will bring it to fruition. If it was as easy as putting Post-it note affirmations on your bathroom mirror, everybody would already have everything they want.

We are talking about discipline, of course, and it is the necessary second step to get what you want.

Do you want to lose weight? First you accept responsibility for your physical health, then you use your discipline to stop eating crap and start doing exercise. For most people, it really is that simple: eat less of the right things, and find a way to consistently move your body.

Are you tired of being broke? Except responsibility for the fact that you are the only person in charge of your finances. Then develop the discipline to do the two things to make you un-broke: make more and spend less. 

It takes discipline to live within your means for sure. It takes even more discipline to do the research and decision-making to discover a new, more profitable way forward. Once you figure out what’s gonna make you more money—and is something that you can and will do—develop the discipline to do it.

That path may entail giving up things that you don’t want to give up, changing your location, going to college, or learning a new trade.

This is one of those many cases of “pick your hard.” You get to decide (with your personal responsibility) whether it’s harder to stay broke or harder to move forward to a place where you’re not broke.

Is your relationship, stale, unfulfilling, maybe even abusive? Same process: except responsibility for your part in the relationship, and for the fact that you choose to remain in that relationship. Once you’ve done that, it’s just a matter of discipline to go to counseling, change your maladaptive behavior in the relationship, or end the relationship altogether.

Are you unhappy with the fact that you drink too much, smoke too much, spend too much time in mind-numbing, time-wasting pursuits like video games, and binging television… Or worse? You know the drill: accept the fact that you’re the only person that can change the behavior you don’t like, and then… Just do it.

By now, I’m sure it is clear to you that these two steps are simply opposite sides of the same coin. Until you take responsibility for the thing that’s bothering you you won’t believe that is within your power to change it. And unless you have the discipline to actually change course, all the responsibility in the world won’t matter.

The recipe is simple, but not easy: take responsibility for what you need to do, then do it.

But how do you develop discipline? Simple: don’t accept excuses from yourself.

This is where the rubber of discipline meets the road of responsibility; the place where people learn to say things like, “Skinny feels better than food tastes.“

That piece of chocolate cream pie looks amazing. But once you commit to the personal responsibility of managing your health, you realize that the taste is not as amazing as the feeling of being able to fit in your clothes. And it definitely doesn’t justify heart disease, or diabetes, or having to get your knees replaced.

Your simple part-time job may be convenient and it may not have required you to do anything special to qualify for the position. But when you are replaced by somebody who can do your job cheaper than you, or when the business closes entirely or for some other reason that you no longer have that job, you may realize that you deserve something better. That may well require you to develop the discipline to master a new skill, or gain the industry qualifications to get a higher paying job; maybe to move to where there are more opportunities than are available in your little one-horse town.

And almost always, to curb your impulse spending and learn how to live within your means. You can probably spend more than you make, no matter how much you make. If you look at your finances and see that the end of the month leaves you $120, it’s probably not a good time to go buy that new Tesla, no matter how cool it is.

We get into these situations because we allow ourselves to accept excuses.

Don’t feel like exercising today? Too bad. If you have already chosen the hard of having to go exercise over the hard of becoming physically ill, just get up and do it.

Are you sick of not having enough money left over to go to a movie or go out with a friend? Find something—that you will do—that pays better. And stop spending money on stupid crap. If you have committed to the personal responsibility of having a better financial situation, just do what it takes to get a better job and to stop spending money.

No excuses. It doesn’t matter if your friends are planning an expensive trip to Disneyland; if you can’t afford it, don’t go. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to go back to school or learn new career; if you have committed to a better life, just do it.

Now let me tell you a secret. This secret explains why discipline is better than motivation.

Because deep down underneath all the rest of the uncensored “monkey mind” self-talk, you are afraid.

It is fear that keeps you stuck. It is fear that keeps you from committing to the things you know you need to do.

Because what if you’re not pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough? What if you can’t “crush” the thing that you decide to do right away?

Everybody is afraid. And when you feel fear, you are most definitely not motivated. So don’t wait for motivation, just get up and do what needs to be done.

What if your friends don’t like what you’re doing and say you have changed; that you think you’re “Too good for them now”? Get up and do it anyway.

What if your parents say you’re wasting your time and you need to just keep doing what you already do; play it safe? Ignore them and do it anyway.

It’s your life. They can’t live it for you.

Don’t let yourself off the hook. It really is that simple. Make a plan, and then execute each step of that plan, no matter what.

I’m not saying to work yourself into the ground here; to be a mindless “grind“ bro is just as ridiculous as having no drive at all. But when you rest, do it intentionally because you know you need to rest. Don’t do it as an excuse because you don’t want to do the work of having a better life; of getting what you want.

Discipline also requires that you have the maturity to delay gratification. Chances are good that whatever situation you’re trying to get out of did not happen overnight. And in any case, significant life change almost always takes time. Accept that you have the power to change, take the time to figure out what you need and what to do, and then commit. No matter what.

Here’s what it means to commit:

Never give up. Never give in. Never settle.

By the way, if you decide it’s too hard to move forward, and you would rather just stay where you are, do us all a favor and don’t whine about it—we’re too busy achieving things. If you decide to stay “stuck,” that’s your decision and your responsibility as well. 

And if you’re just too afraid to make a change, talk to a coach or a mentor who can help you move through the fear.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

Go Long

Personal responsibility and discipline will get you well-established on your path towards a better life; to get what you want. But there is a third ingredient—the third tool—necessary to keep you on that path long enough for it to manifest.

Getting what you want is a long-term commitment, not a weekend project. To continue to do what you need to do requires focus. When I say “focus,” I mean the ability to “keep your eyes on the prize,“ to learn to ignore the distractions that would pull you away from the task you have set yourself.

This is what happens when people get all fired up about a New Year’s resolution, and by mid-February have completely abandoned it.

Life is full of distractions and, now more than ever, we want immediate gratification. You can’t work out for a week and expect to completely change your physique. You can’t do the first class at a community college and decide it’s too hard to get a masters degree. You can’t decide to become a welder, and never pick up a torch.

You can’t have a goal of making the world a better place, and never share your wisdom with anybody.

There is no shortage of resources available to help you gain and maintain this kind of long-term focus, many of which I have written about elsewhere:

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people who are on the same path.

Learn how to use project management tools, so that you have a predetermined set of milestones to keep you looking forward and making progress.

By all means, choose an accountability partner so that you can keep each other looking ahead to the long-term benefits you initially were excited to have.

Get What You Want

Remember, this is your life we’re talking about. As far as anyone is absolutely sure of, you only get one.

Accept personal responsibility, develop the discipline needed to get the job done, and stay focused. The whole point here is to do whatever you have to do to get what you want; to make your life the way that you want it to be, and to live the way that you see fit. It’s all up to you.

Nobody ever said it would be easy, but it is how to get what you want.



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- JWW