Who Cares What They Think?
Feb 28, 2026
What other people think about you is none of your business.
We spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about what other people are thinking—about us.
When It Matters
Okay—only bona fide sociopaths could be completely unconcerned about their impact on others. We are social animals, after all. Basic standards of dress and hygiene differentiate us from the mentally ill.
If you’re going to a wedding, a job interview, or a date, dressing to impress is normal, healthy behavior. You are trying to influence what a specific person thinks about you in a specific situation.
But it becomes pathological—an especially pernicious neurosis, and a common cause of anxiety—when you always feel like you’re being judged.
We call this the imaginary audience, and it normally reaches its fevered peak in junior high school, when you are learning how to behave in social settings.
In that limited case, the feeling of being under constant scrutiny is age-appropriate and part of the rite of passage into functional society. (This is what you actually learn in school when you’re twelve or thirteen—certainly more impactful than history, algebra, or civics.)
Before that age, you aren’t concerned about food on your face, wearing the same clothes four days in a row—or, young enough, whether you’re wearing clothes at all.
After your socially painful pubescent passage, you should—ideally—form your own opinions about how you look and act, no matter how cringe-inducing or uniform those choices may be among late-teen and early-twenty-somethings.
The whole “everybody is looking at me” thing only becomes problematic when it clings on into adulthood.
Why Do You (Still) Care?
As an adult, you should have some idea of your style—your appearance and your behavior—even if it evolves over time.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a sweatpants-and-T-shirt person, a sunglasses-on-the-baseball-cap guy, a long-nails-and-fake-lashes-even-when-taking-the-trash-out gal, or anything else. The point is that you are comfortable with how you move through the world.
And once you are satisfied with how you appear and act, stop thinking about your imaginary public scorecard.
But what if you can’t? What if you’re still concerned that you’re being judged?
“Why are they looking at me?”
“Are they laughing at me?”
Consider your mental environment.
What cues are you giving yourself that you’re not measuring up?
The media—social and otherwise—applies constant pressure to look perfect, live perfectly, and display your perfect possessions. Even if that were possible, whose definition of perfect are we supposed to use?
If you managed to exactly emulate your favorite influencer, guess what? Other people could still judge you for not meeting their standards.
Assuming they’re paying attention to you at all.
Spoiler alert: they’re not.
You know what they’re thinking about?
What other people think of them.
This is why so many conversations are shallow. You’re not really listening to what someone just said—you’re listening just long enough to plan what you’re going to say next, and how it will make you look.
Once you notice it, you see it everywhere: blatant “adopt the look” messaging on social media (“You can be as popular as this influencer if you buy our stuff!”), and subtler but equally powerful cues (fabulous people in private jets look like this…).
Stop. Take a deep breath.
The feeling that you must constantly compare yourself to a manufactured standard of appearance and behavior is not accidental. It is the result of carefully planned manipulation.
The message is simple:
“To be as cool as the people in ads, Reels, and viral videos, you must buy what they buy—clothes, makeup, supplements, workout routines.”
There are class-action lawsuits emerging as a result of the harm done by these campaigns, because people can become obsessed with being “good enough” according to arbitrary and unobtainable standards.
Are you one of them?
And beneath all of this lies an uncomfortable truth:
Persistent worry about what other people think is a sign of low self-esteem. If you are genuinely being your best self, why should it matter whether everyone approves?
The only people constantly thinking about how you look and act are the ones trying to sell you something: a product, a lifestyle, an ideology.
Stop Worrying
As far as everyone else is concerned, they are not focused on you. I promise.
You don’t know what they’re actually thinking—and even if you did, you couldn’t change it.
Accept that:
a) it’s impossible to please everyone all the time, and
b) the only person you truly need to please is yourself.
Once you come to terms with these facts, stop worrying—and go live your life.
Define your own ideal self-image, and do your best to live up to that.
Relax.
Breathe.
Go live your best life.
Because really—who cares?
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To learn more about working with me or having me speak to your group, go to the Jeff W Welsh website, subscribe to my Substack or Medium accounts or the Hardcore Happiness blog page, and follow my Instagram account for daily insights.
- JWW
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