You start out with the best of intentions: get up, do some exercise, make breakfast, get on with your day. You know how good it will feel when you check all those things off your to-do list and can just relax later that evening.

But that’s not what happens.

Instead, you wake up and then lie in bed for 30 minutes—or maybe three hours. From there, if you even get out of bed, you may spend several more hours doomscrolling on your phone, perhaps followed by a binge of YouTube videos.

The not-so-funny thing about it is, the longer you let it go, the deeper it gets. That’s why they call it a spiral.

The Spiral

It’s an old aviation term: aim the airplane’s nose straight down and put it into a tight turn. The turns get tighter as the aircraft accelerates toward the ground—also known as a “death spiral.” The airplane rarely hits the ground intact. Instead, the increasing aerodynamic stresses cause it to break up in flight.

Same concept with emotional spirals. Same eventual result.
You may be reading this article because you’ve been in the spiral for some time, and you see the ground rushing up at you. If that’s the case, you need to take immediate action. Nothing else matters in this moment.

Let me drop the metaphor and be very clear for a moment: if you’re thinking about hurting—or killing—yourself or someone else, stop reading this and dial 988 (or whatever the crisis lifeline is in your country, if you’re outside the U.S. and its territories). I’ll be here when you come back.

What’s really happening is your neurophysiology has entered a feedback loop between limbic threat activation, cognitive interpretation, and interoceptive signaling that progressively amplifies perceived threat and reduces regulatory control.

And none of that fancy labeling matters to you in the moment. (If you’re a neuropsychology geek, you already know all of that—and bonus big words like “amygdala,” “insula,” and “default mode network.”)

To get out of the spiral in an airplane, you pull back on the power, stop the turn, level the wings, and pull out of the dive. It is remarkably similar to the way you get out of an emotional spiral.

Ingredient One: Kindness

There’s a simple recipe to stop an emotional spiral, and it has only two ingredients: kindness and discipline.

Like any good recipe, the trick lies in seasoning to taste. Some people need a little more of one ingredient or the other, depending on who they are and how deep the spiral is.

Here are some guidelines.

Kindness, in an emotional spiral, is the equivalent of pulling the power back in the airplane. If the nose is still pointed at the ground and you’re going full throttle, bad things are going to happen.

Some people spiral because they feel like they’re not enough—not accomplished enough, not strong enough, not rich enough, not successful enough. Under normal circumstances, doing more of the things that move you toward your goals is a reasonable solution.

But in the spiral, you’ve got to let off the gas. There will be time to go “balls to the wall” (that's another aviation reference, not a vulgar phrase) again in the future—but right now, what you need to do is treat yourself with kindness.

Be intentional about your kindness. Get a pen and a piece of paper. Write down the things you would say to someone else—a child, someone you love—who has been pushing too hard for too long and has burned out:

“Take a break.”

“Step back and assess the situation.”

“Get some rest.”

“Eat some healthy food.”

“Get a change of scenery.”

“Hang out with friends.”

Now take those statements and aim them at yourself. Just put “I need to” in front of each one:

“I need to get some rest.”

“I need to eat healthier.”

“I need to stay away from excessive amounts of sugar, alcohol, and other recreational substances for a while.”

“I need to take a break from toxic people.”

“I need to calmly examine what I’m trying to achieve and whether I’m going about it in the right way.”

Your assessment might include a statement like, “I need to talk to someone.” This may mean a mental health professional—or something more practical: “I need to talk to a financial advisor.” “I need to talk to a career counselor.” If those resonate with you, write them down.

And one of these “I need” statements is more important than you may think: “I need to hang out with friends.” This can literally be a lifesaver. It is almost guaranteed to reset your outlook and break the spiral.

If you don’t have any friends? Go make some. (That’s another article entirely—we’ll get to it.)

If you don’t have anyone you can reach physically, call somebody. If you don’t feel like you can call anyone, go sit in a coffee shop. Seriously.

Just be in the company of other awake, alive, engaged human beings.

Because isolation deepens the spiral.

If you’re spiraling because you’ve been pushing too hard, give yourself some sage advice—and then act on it.

Ingredient Two: Discipline

But what if you’re spiraling because you haven’t been doing anything at all? This is not to be confused with overachievers who think they’re not doing anything (that belongs back in the kindness section).

I’m talking about a period of hours, days, or longer of stagnation. This is the equivalent, in our airplane analogy, of pulling the throttle back—but doing nothing else. The engine isn’t roaring, but you’re still headed for the ground.

This is where the second ingredient comes into play: discipline.

Discipline doesn’t mean pulling out your inner drill instructor and berating yourself.

Discipline—for this purpose—simply means to take action.

You’re in the middle of the great dopamine hunt, scrolling away until your thumbs have blisters. You look up and realize it’s 1:00 in the morning.

What you’re doing is not kindness. You are actively causing harm to yourself—psychologically and physiologically.

So stop.

Exercise just enough discipline to turn the phone off and go to bed.

Yes, you can.

Or maybe your eyes open in the morning at 6:30 or 7:00—whatever time you naturally wake up. The bed feels so good; a few more minutes can’t hurt. Except you know that “a few minutes” will go on and on, and the next time you look at the clock, it’ll say 9:30 or 11:00 or 1:00 in the afternoon.

Get up.

Get out of bed, brush your teeth, take a shower. Do whatever your functional morning routine is—but do not continue to lie there. The ground is approaching.

Nobody is going to level those wings and pull out of the dive but you. Your mama can’t do it. Your best friend can’t do it. Your kids can’t do it for you.

You’re alone in that airship—and you have everything you need to regain straight-and-level flight.

But you have to act.

Turn off the TV. Put down the phone. Get out of the damn bed. Eat right. Take a walk. Stop using substances to help you forget that you don’t really have a life.

You already know what to do. The problem is you’re overwhelmed by the thought of doing it.

When I started college, I knew that my goal of a Ph.D. was a long way away. There was no one in my family who had ever done it, so I had no source of inspiration to help me get through all the work.

What worked for me then will work for you now. Here’s the pro tip:

A little bit at a time.

Pick one small, simple action that will help you break this spiral. Maybe your goal is to get out of bed and take a shower. Don’t think beyond that. Make that your entire day’s “win.”

But then do it.

The Mixture

Now you can see why the recipe has two parts.

Kindness lets you off the hook—you don’t have to complete all your life goals in one day. Whittle it down to one simple action.

Discipline means that once you decide what that action should be, you do it—and don’t let anything stop you.

Simple. One easy step. But it has to be done.

Then, once you’ve accomplished that one simple task, you can think about the next thing you want and need to do.

One step at a time.

And here’s the magic: the success of that first small task puts you in a better state of mind to take on the next step. And so on.

This is a positive feedback loop. Just as each part of the spiral can lead to a deeper and more dangerous descent, each small success empowers the next, breaking the spiral and putting you back on track.


There was a time when I was attending two different universities (via motorcycle, no less), working a demanding job with high-stakes consequences, and raising a family. If I had focused on the years between me and my goal, I never would have made it.

Instead, I let myself off the hook. I focused on the next paper due Monday. And then I did the paper.

One paper, one project at a time became semesters, then years—and eventually culminated in two graduate degrees.

And those degrees were undertaken so that I could do what I have done for decades, and exactly what I’m doing right now: try to help you have a better life.

Be nice to yourself, get some things done, and let me know if this helped.



My novel, The Calling is available now in print and as an eBook.


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- JWW