You all do it all the time, whether or not you are aware of it.

There is a constant—usually silent—voice in your head that notices, interprets, judges, decides, remembers, projects. This phenomenon is neither trivial nor without consequence, and deserves a closer look.

And the stories we tell ourselves go beyond just words.

Self-Talk is Automatic

And because this process runs automatically, it is rarely neutral.

Your inner voice is the part of you that is thinking about what you are going to say next, instead of listening fully to what is being said.

It’s what notices the attractive person sitting across from you at the coffee shop, fantasizes about your chances of striking up a successful conversation and then projects the possible next step, and the step after that. And then stops you from saying anything, because “what if…”

Your self-talk will construct an entire romantic relationship with someone who smiles at you from across the room, then projects a tragic end to the story and leaves you feeling empty.

Prone to snap judgments, your thought processes will inform you about who is a “nice person,” and who is probably “trouble,” immediately and with insufficient evidence.

All of this takes place when you are “zoning out” or “just spacing.” If someone were to ask you, in the midst of your thousand-yard stare, what you are thinking about, your answer is likely going to be some version of, “Nothing,” when the truth is closer to, “Everything.”

Cognitive psychologists refer to these automatic mental patterns as automatic thoughts, a core concept in cognitive behavioral therapy.

The problem isn’t that you talk to yourself; that’s just part of the human experience. It becomes troublesome when you don’t pay attention to what it is saying.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Unobserved, the voice operates autonomously and in the moment, building its observations and conclusions from your internal state: your biases and prejudices, gossip from your friends and what you see on social media, your blood sugar level, and how much sleep you got last night. It is heavily influenced by that jerk that cut you off in traffic and that cute text from your lover.

Your self-talk is not the product of rational, informed reasoning.

Much (perhaps most) of what you tell yourself is based on misconceptions, misperceptions and flat-out falsehoods.

A mishmash of old (mis-remembered) memories, unfounded opinions from “echo chamber” Internet threads, and questionable advice from well-meaning friends and family, the stream of your (sub-) consciousness can be polluted — and polluting you — and you won’t even know, unless you look.

The Feedback Loop Between Behavior and Emotion

The things you tell yourself aren’t simply thoughts in your head.

Have you noticed how you feel when you get cleaned up and dressed up before you go out in public? Contrast that with your inner feeling state when you hit the local Walmart in your sweats, unshaven and three days without a shower.

What is the effect of standing up straight with your shoulders back, making eye contact and smiling at people? What happens to your self-esteem when you actually listen to the other side of a conversation, then give a thoughtful reply with calm and unhurried speech?

How do you feel about yourself after you “lose it” and have a little temper tantrum when things don’t go your way, or throw a “pity party” for yourself when you’ve had a rough day?

Many of the moments we regret are directly attributable to action without conscious thought. Because then, our subconscious inner voice takes over and our actions follow unless we realize what’s going on.

When I was growing up, if I acted out in response to some trivial frustration or imagined slight, before I understood the destructive power of an unchecked ego (in the Freudian sense), my father would say, “If you lose your temper, I’m going to help you find it,” or “You have alligator syndrome right now: little bitty ears and great big mouth.”

I now understand those gems of paternal wisdom to mean, “Listen more than you talk, and remember that you have the power to adopt a more adaptive response to your situation.”

Pay Attention to Your Thoughts

Learn to listen to the things you tell yourself, to the best of your ability. Illogical though it may sound, you believe what your thoughts and actions say about you.

Just as negative thoughts and actions that demonstrate low self-esteem make you feel like crap, positive thoughts and a confident demeanor (even if you aren’t feeling it right away) will make you feel better.

You may be aware of the research that shows that forcing a smile can actually increase the experience of happiness under specific conditions¹. This “fake it ‘till you make it” strategy isn’t a viable replacement for actual positive psychology habits such as gratitude journaling or reasoned self-reflection, but it illustrates how powerful your outlook is in the quest to have a better day.

You can replace negative thoughts and actions with positive self-talk and behavior, but you first have to notice them.

The quality of your life is inseparable from the quality of your inner dialogue.

1. The “Many Smiles Collaboration” studied 3,878 participants from 19 countries. Coles, N. A., et. al. (2022). A multi-lab test of the facial feedback hypothesis by the Many Smiles Collaboration. Nature Human Behaviour, 6(12), 1731–1742. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-022-01458-9. The “Many Smiles Collaboration” studied 3,878 participants from 19 countries.

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