Who are you, really?

There are actually two parts to the question.

The You: Who You Present to the World

There is a “you” that interacts with the world; that talks to the barista and comforts the children and gives presentations and negotiates for raises and tries to interact meaningfully with your significant other.

This is the “surface” You, the You that you present to others. You already know that there are several versions of that “you,” and you have learned (unless you are a sociopath) which ones to actualize and when.

The You that flirts in search of a date is far different from the You that disputes a charge on your credit card bill.

At this surface level, “Who are you?” is a trick question, of course, because the answer is in constant flux.

And it’s not just a matter of social interactions. The ever-changing, forward-facing You is also modified by your blood sugar levels and how well you slept and how much caffeine is circulating, and literally thousands of other dynamic factors that try to keep your psychology and physiology in balance.

The surface You is the wall that protects you from others, and the manipulation tool that draws them in.

It is a mercurial representation that reacts almost instantly to a look, a touch, a subtle change in the tone of a conversation.

More nurture than nature, the You is always a work in progress as we learn more about how to get what we want and avoid what we dislike.

The You at seven years old is dramatically different than the 13-year-old You, and only a faint shadow of the 30-year-old You. With time, however, the You stabilizes and becomes more predictable. It continues to learn and adapt, but more slowly.

The You is not your personality, but the manifestation of your personality — and many other things — in the world.
The You is a projection of something deeper, more foundational.

The Self: Your Authentic Foundation

Your Self is that part of you that is projected into the world in a million ways, as You.

Your Self is also a product of your environment and your learning, but a much larger part of it is determined by “nature” — genetics and the deeper mechanisms of personality.

Your Self is not fixed from birth. It changes as you learn and adapt, but much more slowly than your surface You, which can (and does) change almost instantaneously. Your Self at 15 is different from your Self at 50, but not as radically different as you might expect.

There are parts of your Self — dimly understood (no matter what you read) factors — that result from your DNA and your core personality. These aspects of the Self are inflexible and enduring; unlikely to change in any appreciable sense.

In fact, should these deeper factors of your Self manifest as pervasive, maladaptive behaviors, the DSM would classify them as “personality disorders.”

For this reason, the Self has aspects that you cannot easily change, if at all. Should there be parts of your psychological bedrock — your Self — that you don’t like, you must learn to adapt to them, to live with them.

This is similar to (but not exactly the same as) Carl Jung’s process of integrating the Shadow: identify those pieces of your Self that are not congruent with the way you like to think of yourself, then accept them as a valid, permanent part of you.

And that brings us to the most important part of the Self; knowing that it exists at all.

Why Behavior Change Is So Hard

We all have behaviors we want to change.

Some are simple tweaks to our daily routine that are just a matter of remembering to do them (like “putting the seat down”); simple and easily accomplished.

Others are difficult, sometimes nearly impossible, to do, even when we are strongly motivated. Think losing weight, learning a new skill, adopting a healthier diet or routine.

The interesting realization is that these are not universally classified as “hard” or “easy.” Why do some people easily make changes that other people struggle with?

Because behaviors in your surface You are linked to your deeper Self.

Here is an overly simplistic example:

“Joe” knows that if he loses weight, he will be healthier, feel better, and be more attractive to potential romantic partners. He sets out on a strict diet and exercise regime, but hates every second of it, doesn’t see results as quickly as he hoped, and after a few weeks, resumes his standard habits. Worse yet, he flagellates himself with guilt and remorse, and eventually, resignation.

“I guess I’m just destined to be fat,” he thinks, “No matter how hard I try, I can’t do it.”

“Sam” has similar motivations to change, for similar reasons. He cuts out excessive carbs, stops drinking alcohol and shuns sugar, and hits the gym five days a week. No big deal, he just decides to make the change, and does.

It is a critical error to judge Joe and Sam based on their immediate, socially interactive behaviors, their surface You actions.

We might be tempted to think, “Well, Joe is weak and Sam has a strong will. Simple.” But Joe’s inability to change is not a You function. It’s not “just a matter of willpower.”

The real difference between Joe and Sam is a function of the Self. Joe came from an emotionally abusive childhood that taught him to self-soothe, because no one else was going to do it. And the most soothing behavior he had as a child was the dopamine/sugar/endorphin rush of “comfort (that’s why they’re called that) foods.”

Joe is stuck because he is working on the effect, not the cause.

And worse yet, he doesn’t even know to look deeper. Understand the Self, fix what can be fixed, and accept the rest. Then apply willpower to the surface You behavior.

Finding Bedrock: Discovering Your Authentic Self

This article is not (and could not be) a primer on clinical psychology.

I offer up the You vs. Self explanation for your consideration in case you aren’t paying attention to the deeper parts of your Self, and blame the ephemeral You for it.

And for another reason: it is common to mistake deeper life experiences (I hesitate to write the vastly overused word “trauma,” though it may be justified here) for the actual Self.

The way to find your real, authentic Self and live a real, authentic life is to identify and separate layers of protective behavior from what lies — undisturbed, still — underneath.  

All of this is the realm of deep, undistracted introspection and, yes, therapy (if you can find a competent, aligned therapist). But my job, now, as a writer, is to give you a peek into what I have learned through training and clinical experience.

Because it may allow you the focus to see a better way forward.

Let me give you an example, a common layer of deep, learned behavior that is a barrier to authentic living. One that I deal with not just clinically, but personally.

The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing

Feeling small, being cautious
It’s more than politeness and respect
It’s fear of being judged, which is really
Fear of being rejected, ostracized, which is really
Fear of being alone.

This is the heart of “people pleasing”
The fear of punishment if we don’t keep everyone happy
If everyone doesn’t like us

Fear of being alone.

All of which leads us to question

Am I worthy of love?

Do I have to spend money on people
Do favors for them 
For them to be my friend?

This mindset leads to performance for acceptance;

The antithesis of authentic living.

We are crushed by the weight of an imaginary audience,

Even though they are only looking at themselves.

Doing what you are told when there is no rhyme or reason to the rules is

Submission to spurious control.

So we let people take advantage of us, use anger to control us

Because we are afraid of the consequences of “rocking the boat.”

At the cost of what we really want and who we really are,

Never to live a real life.

My novel, The Calling is available now in print and as an eBook.


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To learn more about working with me or having me speak to your group, go to the Jeff W Welsh website, subscribe to my Substack or Medium accounts or the Hardcore Happiness blog page, and follow my Instagram account for daily insights.

- JWW