There it is again.

Singing in the shower, and suddenly an unseen hand drives an ice pick through my vocal cords—no sound will come, save ragged gasps and strangled yelps. My face is wet from more than the hot water.

I will sob on and off for the next few hours, but it’s okay. This is a very old friend—foe—that I know well.

Such is the nature of grief.

Myths About Grieving

Nearly seven decades of life—and thousands of patients, clients, and students—have taught me much about grief.

As is often the case, much of the conventional wisdom surrounding grief is at odds with reality. This is true for both lay understanding and professional intervention.

The confusion is understandable. You have to live a long time to really see how grief unfolds. Textbooks, professors, surveys, and meta-analyses can only explain so much about such a deeply personal domain.

Perhaps it is best to begin with a few pervasive myths:

“It gets better with time.”

It is true that the episodes of blinding, unanticipated pain may (or may not) occur less frequently with the passage of time. But when they hit, they hit as hard—or harder—as they ever did.

I can attest to the fact that the pain—nearly half a century later—can be as stringent and acute as it was on the day of the event.

What can occur, with the right mindset, is a reframing of grief such that is seen for what it truly is, and its message can be properly understood.

“Best to just take something to ‘take the edge off.’” 

Grief—like anxiety (there is much more to say about this; I have an entire chapter in my Hardcore Happiness book, to be released later this year)—is part of the human condition. It makes no sense to try to medicate it away, regardless of the medication, and wouldn’t work anyway, in the long-term.

You can’t medicate grief away. The best you can do is to sit with it, and if you’re smart, you will listen to what it is telling you.

Think of it like ignoring an important phone call you know you need to take. Sooner or later, you have to listen to the message, and deal with it. Continuing to hang up on it doesn’t make the situation any easier.

“Everyone should get grief counseling.”

There are as many ways to grieve as there are people grieving. Some decode grief's message best by sitting alone with it. Some do best when they can discuss their thoughts and feelings with others.

It is critical to understand that grief is not a pathology; a disease to be cured or a malady to “get over.” It is a part of life to be integrated—an inseparable part of who you are and who you are becoming.

So-called “grief counseling” can actually be injurious, if the person who is grieving is led to believe that the goal is to somehow “hurry up and get better.” This pressure can lead to unnatural (and impossible) efforts to appear as though grief is no longer a factor.

The Reality of Grief

There are several key truths about grief and grieving:

Grief never leaves.

Grieving is cumulative. Each instance, each situation over which we grieve merely adds to that which we carried previously. Time brings more reminders, more episodes of grief to endure and understand.

This is one of the primary challenges inherent in living a long, happy life. The more time we are privileged to have on the planet, the more grief we accrue. To ignore or misunderstand grief is to become brittle and resentful.

Anniversary dates are real.

This is not conjecture or superstition. Even if you are not consciously aware of the date that a tragedy occurred in your life, you are subconsciously aware.

It is common to have a “bad day” for no known reason, only to later realize that that day is associated with an event that you have repressed, that hasn’t been properly acknowledged and understood.

I have seen many instances in which painful occurrences remained psychologically “buried” and resulted in physical ailments that coincided with anniversary dates.

When you realize that the anniversary of a loss is approaching, take some time to honor both the memory of the event and the importance and meaning it has in your current life.

Isolation may make it harder.

As mentioned earlier, some people, on some occasions, deal with grief more effectively when they are alone. In even those relatively rare cases, there are times that it’s easier to be around others.

I’m not talking about group counseling (although if that helps, by all means join in, with the caveats detailed earlier about trying to “make it go away.”) In fact, conversation isn’t always necessary. Sometimes, just being in the presence of other people, other living beings, is enough. They just sitting in a coffee shop or cafe; anywhere people are living their lives. The perspective can be informative and help with the pain of the moment.

It is always about you. 

This is important: try to understand the personal message in the pain. 

Somewhere, deep in the pain of grieving a death is the grief of knowing that you, too, are mortal and will someday be gone.

When you grieve over the loss of a place, a location that you loved, there are likely deep sentiments of regret—possibly failure, shame and the like—all tied up in the same Gordian knot of memories, thoughts and feelings.

One of the most common situations as people age is grief for the loss of youth; innocence, physical beauty and ability. This is not a trivial loss and shouldn't be minimized.

Grief is more than a reminder—it is a messenger. Exercise due diligence in trying to understand its message.

The depth of grief matches the depth of love.

This is one of the instances in which reframing is a helpful—and truthful—way to honor what once was. When it really hurts, think, “That was a lot of love.”

If it wasn’t beautiful, you wouldn’t feel this much pain.

Grief’s Message

I have learned that the depth of grief is correlated with one other thing as well: 

Gratitude.

Be deeply, profoundly thankful that you were able to experience that which you now grieve, at all.



My novel, The Calling is available now in print and as an eBook.


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- JWW