A sovereign is someone who is completely independent and wields supreme power. Inherent in the definition is the expectation that that person enjoys the spoils of victory, bears the burden of defeat, and takes full responsibility for both.

There is someone who is sovereign in your life, right now, today. It isn’t one of your parents or a religious leader or any political or law enforcement figure.

There is someone who will never leave you, no matter how rough things get, whether you are rich or poor, in sickness and in health, for your whole life. It isn’t your spouse or your children.

In both cases, the person is you.

You may already know this, which is a great and necessary first step. This fact may exhilarate you; it may scare you a bit. Maybe a lot.

None of that matters, really; it is the way things are, and you ignore it at your own peril.

It’s all you: you are the “big guy” (or gal, of course) in the scheme of your life. Ichiban. Numero Uno.

No one can take your glory from you.

No one is coming to save you.

As the song says, you’ve got the pow-wah!

So why don’t you feel it?

Take The Power Back

RATM told you what to do. Here’s how to do it.

Take Responsibility

The first step is something I’ve been preaching, teaching, writing and speaking about for years (decades now, actually), so I won’t belabor the point here. Basically, it goes like this:

To gain control of your life, you must take full responsibility for it. An internal locus of control, operationally, means you are responsible for everything. If you didn’t cause the situation, you are at least responsible for your response to it.

The moment you shirk responsibility (I get it, full responsibility is a big… well, responsibility), you allow someone or something outside of yourself control your emotions, your actions.

When you have an external locus of control, you also lose responsibility. Which may feel good in the short-term, but when you give away your power, you become a victim.

And powerless victims become resentful, bitter and sometimes violent.

Who do you want to be in control of your life?

Stop People Pleasing

Who loves you?

Not everybody.

There are plenty of people who, in their own sovereignty, decide they don’t like the things you stand for. Or the way you think or speak or write. Or the way you look.

And that’s OK.

What’s not OK is trying to please everybody.

I love the very enigmatic movie Sucker Punch. In it is an iconic line delivered by the Wiseman (expertly played by Scott Glenn):

“If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”

You must stand for what you believe, or risk becoming invisible.

NOTE: This doesn’t mean you must be rigid and dogmatic. Be scientific about your stance: if new, better info comes along, be flexible (and mature) enough to modify what it is you stand for.

The fact is, trying to please everybody ends up pleasing nobody. A middle of the road, noncommittal stance doesn’t let anyone know who you are.

Worse, it may be an indication that you don’t know who you are.

Think critically. Read deeply and broadly. Intentionally steel-man opposite points of view to see if there’s anything there that resonates with you, and to help you break free from your echo chamber. Carefully curate your sources; be extremely selective about which voices you allow in your head.

And discover what you think. Not what you’ve been told, or taught or conditioned to think.

Remember this oft-quoted and somewhat awkward phrase: “What others think of you is none of your business.”

This is where people fail. You do the work, curate your own information feed, think your own thoughts, assess other points of view. Then someone says, “What an idiot. We stopped thinking that way decades ago.” Or some other hurtful dismissal of your work.

And doubt causes you to retreat. “What did I miss?” “Maybe I don’t know enough. The Dunning-Kruger Effect has hijacked my reasoning!”

Beware, especially of these two dangerous thoughts:

“What if I’m wrong about everything?” And its impostor-syndrome poison-tipped corollary:

“OMG - they found out I’m faking it!”

This particularly insidious and powerful if you write, livestream, broadcast, podcast, or otherwise publish your thoughts for public consumption.

Remember that you don’t need to form an opinion on everything. If you chase a topic that doesn’t interest you simply because it’s “popular,” your cognition has been contaminated before you even start.

Do your homework, formulate your stance and say what you have deduced as truth, or as close as you can come to it.

Decide what you stand for, so you don’t fall for anything. And so that you have a presence that is unmistakably yours; one that you have earned through your intellectual labor. Let people know who you are, as pertains to things that matter to you.

Your tribe, your people, can’t find you if they can’t identify you.

Which brings us to the next point.

Don’t Isolate

You aren’t a solo animal. You are neither a rock nor an island. The stereotype of the steely-eyed loner is a romantic oversimplification. The individual that is compelled to tread that path is likely suffering from PTSD, deeply fearful and mistrustful of other people to the point of a DSM diagnosis, and doomed to have a shortened lifespan.

I have written extensively on the cost of isolation, which includes mental illness, physical dysfunction and an increase in all-cause mortality.

There are three clear levels of socialization these days, listed in order of their efficacy in terms of your health and happiness.

Best—by far—is contact with other human beings. This includes family, lovers, close friends, your lunch buddies, bowling league, bridge club members and whatever else allows you to interact with real, living, carbon-based people.

Closely related (call it “1-A”) but not nearly as valuable, is being around people who typically don’t directly interact with you but share your environment. Compile your spreadsheets in a coffee shop, for example, as opposed to alone in your room. Who knows, some 1-A folks could actually become friends, with repeated exposure.

In second place, a very recent category, is online friends. Make no mistake, the benefit that comes from the physical presence of another person cannot be replicated through any extant digital wizardry. I’m not a fan of long-term online mental health counseling (the fact that it “feels safer” is exactly why it is a pathetic imitation of actual therapy), but there is benefit to be had in regular contact with real people, even if virtual in nature. Your World of Warcraft® team (or COD, or Overwatch®, or whatever) is a far cry from actual human contact but much better than no interaction at all.

In this same general non-human tier are (2-A) pets, who are physically present but not human (despite what they think), contact with which has documented benefit to people. And (2-B) artificial intelligence. Despite the fear and loathing that currently surrounds the subject (much of it well-justified), I suspect research currently under way may reveal some positive health effects. We will see…

In far last place—and, sadly, far too common, especially among older adults—is no contact at all.

This is bad, mmmm-kay? Like really bad. The road to serious mental and physical illness is thus paved. To make matters much worse, it is a death spiral: the more isolated you are, the more isolated you want to be.

A very sad client once described it as “suicide by couch.” And he was well on his way, with a shopping bag full of medications (and more meds to counteract the side effects of the initial meds) and a nihilistic outlook. After much urging to find community, he is off the couch and most of the pills and seems to be on his way to rediscovering satisfaction and well-being.

His story is far from unique. Any mental health professional sees this on a routine basis.

The TL;DR: of this section: Find a community of people to interact with. If you can’t find one, make one. Do whatever you need to do and go wherever you need to go to make it happen.

And that, happily, leads to the next suggestion on the road to becoming the boss of you.

Travel Regularly

GET OUT OF DODGE!

Or wherever you spend most of your time. Walk to the next village. Drive to a neighboring city. Get on a plane to Bangkok (unless you live in Bangkok, in which case go somewhere else).

Where you go is not as important as if you go. But if you have a choice, go someplace that makes you feel good, that rejuvenates you; that makes you feel alive.

Climb that hill, stick your feet in the water, take time to make the snowman, eat outside at that sidewalk cafe. Watch the clouds and talk (even poorly, if you are in a foreign country) with the locals.

And yes: touch some grass (or the Ice Sheet, if you go to Antarctica).

Travel expands your vision of just how big the world is, reminds you that there are other people and viewpoints and cultures to explore, and breaks the small, cloistered mindset that comes with prolonged seclusion. And reminds you that you get to decide where you go and where you stay.

And if you can’t find anyone with whom you can travel—travel alone! As a matter of fact, I recommend doing just that on occasion, to remind yourself of how capable and independent—sovereign, we might say—you really are.

I am not the first counselor to see a person’s depression lifted by a change of location.

Learn to Slow Time

Time is, of course, our most precious resource. Just as you (hopefully) wouldn’t hurriedly wolf down an expensive, gourmet meal, you can learn to savor something even more delicious: your life.

This topic is deserving of its own chapter, book (I’m writing such a book at the moment), perhaps encyclopedia. But I will introduce you to (or, perhaps, remind you of) the three best practices of which I am aware. Heck, I’ll even give you an acronym:

MOG: Mindfulness, Optimism, Gratitude.

Mindfulness is the art of being present as life unfolds. Focus your intent on what is happening right now, wherever you are and whatever you are doing. Leave the past in the past and don’t concern yourself with the future (unless you’re driving or piloting a craft, then please do look ahead…) for just a little while. Allow yourself a chunk of time to enjoy this most sublime meditation on the greatest, time-limited asset you have: the ineffable gift of consciousness.

Optimism is you deciding, as the ruler of yourself, that you will exercise your option to think positive thoughts and feel positive feelings. It really is that easy. And like all of MOG, it gets easier the more you do it. You have the choice to feel good, to engender optimism, and no one can take that away from you. If something crappy happens, deal with it: grieve, correct, repay, start over if you have to. Then get positive again.

Gratitude is even easier. Take stock of what you have (hint: it’s way more than you think) and give thanks for it. How you do that is up to you: hug a tree, pray to God, sit by a river, dance naked in your backyard. But I strongly suggest that you write down what you are grateful for. Then reread that from time to time. You will soon find that Gratitude Defeats Despair. 

Here it is, in a nutshell. To take control of and responsibility for your own happiness:

Be present in the present, to the best of your ability.

When you find yourself having negative thoughts, exercise your right to choose the Positive Opposite thought and emotion.

Be conscious of the good in your life, and be grateful for it. In writing.

Be Who You Are

Take back the responsibility and control of your life. Find out what it means to be you, then do that, with all your energy and intent.

In the final analysis, no matter how hard you try, you really can’t be anyone else.



Read my recent interview with Dr. Mehmet Yildiz here.

My novel, The Calling is available now in print and as an eBook.


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To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, visit the Jeff W Welsh website, subscribe to my Substack or Medium accounts or the Hardcore Happiness Articles page, and follow my Instagram account for regular insights.

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- JWW