Man is weak, and community is therefore indispensable.
- C.G. Jung

Our connections to people evolve, as do we.

When you graduated from your secondary (high school) education, what you thought were “forever” relationships evaporated as people moved away to attend college or start a career or join the military or just escape from the known in hopes of a more exciting future. There is a good chance that many of your connections shifted away from the close friendships of your earlier years to a set of acquaintances from work or church or the gym.

In middle adulthood, you learn that competition is necessary for promotions and income opportunities. Your competence becomes an asset necessary to gain and retain a significant other (who really may be a “forever” relationship) and to stay employed. By now you have learned that people will try to become your “friend” solely in an attempt to take what you have, so you become wary of casual friendships.

When you get to midlife, you may be married - possibly more than once - or divorced (also possibly more than once). Your children, if you had them, have gone on to their own lives and you may or may not have a functional relationship with them. Your parents may be dead and gone and siblings - if you have any - have scattered to distant geographic locations.

By the time we reach late adulthood, it should come as no surprise that the loss of connection has become a serious concern for many. We find ourselves more and more isolated, and no wonder. We are hardwired - as are all animals - to be wary of situations that can damage us.

No Laughing Matter

This loss of community is not static; it is getting worse with the passage of time. Ten percent of American women report having no close friends, as do 15 percent of adult American men. Up to 60 percent of adults report that they feel lonely. And 16 to 24 year-olds experience loneliness more frequently and more intensely than any other age group. There is a 15 percent chance that you will die alone.

I bring this to your attention because I see more and more people suffering from isolation, and it has serious consequences.

There is a vast difference between solitude and isolation.

Solitude, especially in nature, is a great enhancement to mindfulness and gratitude. Isolation is different. It is not of your choosing and it alters your central nervous system. Isolation can be dangerous if it becomes chronic. Chronic loneliness actually shrinks parts of your brain and creates a craving like hunger or thirst, but for human interaction. Loneliness also disrupts normal brain levels of dopamine and oxytocin function, which is bad, because oxytocin can decrease the effects of aging.

More Than Mental Health

Loss of community predictably causes depression, anxiety and aggression. In addition, there are serious physical effects: high blood pressure, sleep disturbances, an increase in stress hormones, a decrease in immune system functioning and an increased likelihood of Alzheimer’s Disease. Children who suffer from a loss of community are much more prone to develop cardiovascular disease later in life.

It is important to note that people can experience a loss of community even in the middle of a large group of people.

It turns out that the quality of human interaction is much more important than the number of people present. When you are in the company of people you feel you can trust, your mood is likely to be improved, and your psychological distress decreased. Gratitude and mindfulness are enhanced in the company of friends.

Compound (Dis-)Interest

Loneliness can make itself worse.

What feels like isolation to one person may be peaceful solitude to others, but everyone has a point at which being alone is too much. When you reach this point, you can start to see other people as uncaring, rude or dangerous. These changes in your thought patterns can cause you to withdraw from the people that may constitute your current community, and avoid opportunities to develop new communities of significant relationships. As a result, lonely people can become lonelier.

Change Your Mindset

This is an important first step, because taking action makes you less likely to feel like a victim.

To change your thinking about loneliness, you must engage it. It is a mistake to simply try to stay distracted (which is easy, because we have so many distractions close at hand). The first step is to realize that you are lonely, and then to accept that it will take effort to effect the change you need.

The effort to change the way you think about loneliness is not a one-time action; you must revisit this kind of transformative work. Luckily, while you work towards a more profound understanding of loneliness, there are more concrete actions you can take to seek community.

Be Proactive

Reach out to people who were once a part of your meaningful community. Take the initiative to contact them - don’t wait by the phone (or email, or chat box or social media post) for them to contact you. The obvious benefit is that you can quickly reestablish relationships that will go a long way in your search for community. The additional benefit is that those persons may want to re-establish community with you, to decrease their own feelings of isolation. When you call a friend or family member that has been estranged through the ravages of time and circumstance, you do a favor for both of you.

Add to the List

Now you can begin to work on new relationships. Are there people from your work or church (or synagogue or mosque, or…), perhaps from another community you frequent like a fraternal order (Elk’s Lodge, Eagle’s Lodge, VFW)? The best sources for new members of your meaningful community are groups of people with similar interests. The list here is endless and limited only by your imagination.

What do you like to do? What pursuits did you enjoy at other times in your life? Are/were you interested in music? Find an open mic near you. Do you belong to a shooting club? A knitting circle? A writers’ or photographers’ group? A poker/bridge/pinochle/fantasy card circle?

Physical activity is ripe with possibility as many people start these pursuits solo. Do you like to walk/hike/bike/run/swim? Do you go to the gym? The activity doesn’t have to be strenuous (although many a friendship has been made in a mixed martial arts dojo); there is community to be found in nature walks in the park or tai chi groups. Indulge your sense of fun and adventure and see where it goes. Think about the people you regularly see in these groups as possible friends rather than acquaintances.

But what if you aren’t a part of any such group? Glad you asked.

Create New Connections

There is an overload of communication possibilities today. Long gone is the need to place “seeking companionship” ads in the classified section of the local newspaper (although if that appeals to you, go for it). Whip out that cell phone/supercomputer in your pocket and search for something that interests you instead of mindlessly scrolling through social media. You will almost certainly find a group for just about anything you can imagine. Into calculus in your spare time? There’s a math club waiting for you. Remote control aircraft? There’s bound to be a field that can use another member. Cooking clubs abound.

Consider activities you have never tried. This is the “What have you always wanted to try?” list. Several years ago, I promised my youngest son, Cade, that we would learn to surf together in Maui. We found a surf school in Lahaina and put on our best beginner’s mindsets. I learned three things that day: first, Maui’s beginner surf spots have lumps of really sharp coral all over, just below the waterline. Be careful where and how you fall. Second, Cade has an excellent sense of balance. Third, I do not. Do I regret trying it out? Not for a nanosecond.

The moral of the story to is try everything. Some things you will love and some you may only do once. When you incorporate this mindset into your habit of seeking community, you will develop new skills, great memories and more than a few opportunities to tap into new and meaningful communities.

Change Your Location

There will undoubtedly be some readers who at this point think, “That’s all well and good, but I’m an hour away (or more) from the nearest town.” Move, if you can. Seriously, move to an area where you have easy - or at least easier - access to others.

Research into the factors that centenarians have in common revealed that one of the main contributors to reaching 100 years on the planet is proximity to a meaningful community.

Is it a simple thing to just “pick up and move?” Certainly not. Is it worth the effort? It certainly is. If your physical distance from others subjects you to the many serious complications of loneliness discussed earlier, make the effort to move. It will drastically increase your likelihood that you can find  - or create - a community of meaningful relationships, and may save your life.

Gratitude

Gratitude (as I have written about elsewhere) is powerful in its ability to promote well-being and happiness and can be especially useful to abolish feelings of isolation. Write a list of things for which you are grateful. Spend some time and think deeply about this: what are the bright spots in your life? What people and events make you feel loved, accomplished, connected?

This exercise is useful in at least two ways. The effort to make a complete list of good things in your life will have a meditation-like effect to quiet your “monkey mind” and stop rumination on immediate circumstances that upset you (and the serotonin boost is worth the effort by itself). In addition, as you create the list, it may spur you to reach out for connections you wouldn’t otherwise have remembered (“That’s right - Charlie always was fun: maybe I should give him call…”)

It is impossible to overemphasize how important it is for you to be your own friend, too. “Screw it - I’m gonna go get a burger (or acceptable vegan substitute) and see a movie in a real movie theater. Just because,” is a very powerful statement that you are always the founding charter member of all of your communities. A community of one is not a permanent replacement for the companionship inherent in a community of others, but it beats feeling alone by a long shot.

Volunteer

Those who choose to volunteer their time and energy to others experience a significant reduction in loneliness.

Find an activity that is within your sphere of interest, that involves face-to-face contact with others, and ideally, allows you to contribute from your life knowledge and experience. Read to children at your local library. Play your instrument for the residents of an assisted living facility. Sponsor a model rocketry group for kids interested in science. You may even consider being a teacher on a more formal basis; many have found deep satisfaction in academia after their retirement from science, industry, business or the arts and humanities.

Call Someone

Face-to-face contact is the most effective means of interaction from psychological, neurological and social viewpoints. There may be times, however, when you just can’t get to your people for a while. In these situations, reach out, even if it’s in a less personal manner. Best is a video call, if you both have that capability. To see and hear someone is more satisfying than voice alone. Most video call systems include the ability to bring others into the call; you might be able to have a meaningful conversation with friends and family even if they are scattered in the geographic winds.

Last on the list is a simple phone call. You and the other significant members of your community will still benefit from immediate, real-time communication, even if it is brief and minus visual contact. You can choose to speak with more than one person here as well, if you think that is appropriate.

Connections

Take the time. Make the effort.

Your connections with other human beings are one of the richest components of Hardcore Happiness. A great start might be to join our community of people who actively work to increase their well-being and life satisfaction. To start, click here to get my free Introduction to the Three Pillars of a happy life!

Find (or create!) your tribe.




To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, you can contact me on the Hardcore Happiness website, the comments section on my Substack or Medium accounts or the Hardcore Happiness blog page. If you have found value in this article, follow my Instagram account for daily insights, or my X account for occasional tweets. To support this community, you can Buy Me A Coffee or donate through my Patreon account.

- JWW