It’s what we all want, ultimately.

All of our planning and scheming and effort since early childhood is aimed at this goal. We want better toys, better friends, more freedom.

Then we go to colleges and learn trades and build businesses, or work our way up corporate ladders in search of a better life. The word “better” implies that we want something we don’t currently have, and most of us are willing to work for it.

How many people have you heard say, “I’m going to work hard to stay exactly the same”?

The urge for better is powerful: later in life, the quest for a better life might lead us to overwork; to overspend or overindulge as we compare ourselves to people that appear to already have “it,” whether they do or not.

Our dopamine system motivates us towards things our brains perceive as valuable. The “dopamine hit“ is a more powerful reward for chasing what we want than for achieving it. In fact, dopamine is more closely tied to wanting than liking. That's why people can continue pursuing things that no longer make them happy.

We are hardwired to want better.

Different Journeys

Later in life, the search for something better tends to take one of three paths, each with a point of caution to consider. 

Path One

Some combination of hard work, careful planning and a massive amount of luck brings some people reasonably close to the life they envisioned. They have the material things they want, enjoy a certain peace of mind, and are able to hang out with people who make them feel good.

The thing to watch out for when we have achieved some semblance of a better life is the constant worry that someone or something will take it away from us. I know people who appear to be blissfully satisfied, with a nine-figure net worth and big houses and global luxury travel. They’re surrounded by people who seem to adore them. Their anxiety comes not from wanting more, but from the fear of losing what they have.

As soon as you begin to rise above the average in any measurable way, there are people who want what you have and who will do just about anything to get it. Taxes, changing business environments, fickle political climates; all can conspire to decrease your standard of living. And those friends who adore you? Some of them just might be trying to get close enough to use the dagger hidden in their sleeve.

Path Two

These are people who—like all of us—hoped for a better lifestyle. Some of them worked very hard to attain it; many did not. As a counselor, it was a very common theme for me to see people who wanted to be something, but were not willing to put in the work to become that thing.

Sadly, some of them just had rotten luck. Their planning was sound and they worked hard; put in their hours, built things and climbed ladders—strategies that work for most people. But for reasons out of their control, they never came close to getting what they wanted.

The obvious danger for these folks is that after many years of trying (or maybe not trying, but just wanting), they can become resentful and entitled. They may adopt the outlook that life is a hostile place destined to beat them down and frustrate their attempts at a better life.

Path Three

As is the case with any statistical bell curve, most people are somewhere in the middle.

The majority that occupies the middle are a mixed bag: they may or may not have worked hard, may or may not have made good future plans or had the benefit of sound guidance when they were younger. They have achieved some degree of success in having what they view as a better life, and those who are well-adjusted and comfortable have developed the ability to appreciate what they have even if they are still striving for more.

The danger this central segment has to be aware of is the tendency—made worse by ubiquitous social media that portrays everyone as fabulous and carefree—to compare. They must take care not to descend into disappointment and resentment when they do not achieve the better life they see on their smartphones.

How to Better Enjoy Life

How do we deal with the fact that so many factors of what we perceive as a better life are not within our control? What advice could make all three groups happier about where they are, even as they trek towards better?

The first thing I would suggest—the thing that I frequently suggest—is to develop a habit of gratitude. I know that much has been written about an “attitude of gratitude,” but I’m not talking about empty affirmations and vacuous  slogans.

To me, a habit of gratitude is the mindset and work necessary to stop your frantic daily activities for a moment and intentionally enumerate—in writing—the things in your current life for which you can be grateful. Everybody has them; the question is whether or not you can still see them.

Here is a quick litmus test to see if you might have already fallen into the egregious trap of entitlement: if your reflex thought in reference to the last paragraph is “That’s fine, but I don’t have anything to be grateful for,” you, my friend, are entitled. You feel that the world hasn’t given you enough and therefore owes you something in return. And there’s a high probability that you are bitter and resentful, especially if you have felt that way for some time.

The first step towards overcoming an attitude of entitlement is to recognize that you have one. Once that threshold is crossed, you can begin the long and painful work of rediscovering the wonderful things in your life for which you can be grateful. The scope of that work far exceeds the space limitations of this article.

It is true in all cases and situations that I have ever encountered that Gratitude Defeats Despair. Again, not just a slogan, but a sound technique that, when regularly employed, is fundamental to well-being and happiness.

What else can be done to ensure that—no matter where you are on the continuum of life satisfaction—things stay good and get better, as opposed to spiraling towards fear and dissatisfaction and anxiety?

A Cautionary Note

Here’s one with a bit of an edge: Be charitable, but keep your eyes open. Not everybody is kind and enlightened. Some of these folks want to be your friend, lover or spouse strictly because you have something to offer them.

I do not believe in pure altruism as a possible trait in humans, but there has to be some attempted balance between what one gives to a relationship and what one takes from a relationship. Some people will spend decades taking what you have to give, and once they think you have nothing else they will leave, frequently without warning.

Other people, particularly in the realm of business, believe that the way to a better life is to feign friendship with you if they perceive you as being somewhere above and beyond them in the pecking order. They will take stock of what you have achieved and then stab you in the back (hopefully only metaphorically) and try to take what you have built as their own.

And there is a—thankfully small—population of people who just want to hurt you. The reasons for this are myriad and include severe mental illness, a desire to “get even“ for some perceived slight, and a host of many other things too numerous to mention.

The point is this: be generous with whatever you have, your time and attention, your presence, your belongings and money. But never let people confuse your kindness with weakness. This holds no matter what level of happiness with life you have achieved.

Remember that even people who do great harm may be doing what they believe will lead them to a better life. But the way to a better life is never to destroy someone else’s.

And this is worth saying: Don’t lie and cheat and steal from people to try to get ahead. Don’t be a part of activities that damage your reputation, lifestyle and environment, whether as a victim or perpetrator.

A Better Life

The best advice I can muster for you to have a better life is to carefully choose—and then relentlessly pursue—a purpose for your life. Meaning lies in the intersection of what you can do, what you will do, and what will be of benefit to others.

Work diligently on the things you can control, try to make other people’s lives better, and be grateful for what you have and where you are.

You just might find that you are already living a better life.

Read my recent interview with Dr. Mehmet Yildiz here.

My novel, The Calling is available now in print and as an eBook.


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To learn more about how to use these concepts or to inquire about working with me, go to the Jeff W Welsh website, subscribe to my Substack or Medium accounts or the Hardcore Happiness blog page, and follow my Instagram account for regular insights.




- JWW