There is no shortage of important discussion topics in the personal transformation/self-improvement/positive psychology world in which I work. My current focus is on helping people who are facing major life transitions.

I routinely see (and have seen, for many years) three areas of transition common in modern Western life, each with the potential for massive growth and adventure. Unfortunately, these same events can cause significant disorientation and destabilization without proper guidance and support, and can bring ruin if handled carelessly.

Hardcore Happiness concepts provide the knowledge and tools you need to successfully navigate these three rites of passage (and other significant life changes) with your happiness, self-worth, and well-being intact.

Moving Out

The first transition we face in modern society is the leap into independent adulthood. This major life change occurs at different stages of life for different people, influenced by a variety of factors.

For some, independent adulthood begins immediately after high school with a move directly into the workforce. This tends to be the case with young adults who have no immediate career path in mind; the strategy is, “I’ll just get a job while I figure it out.”

This is the moment our young person has been longing for since…well, sophomore year, at least! The new grad—now legally an adult as well—has escaped from the tyranny of school and parental expectations, and is finally free to ignore curfews, indulge excesses and explore all manner of curiosities. The part-Ferris Bueller, part-Lord of the Flies lifestyle is wild and wondrous until rent is due (or Bae’s couch is no longer available), there’s no food in the fridge and going everywhere via skateboard is becoming tiresome.

At this point, the individual has to contend with basic survival necessities, at a minimum, and that necessitates a source of income that will provide for food, shelter, clothing, and transportation. But that proposition is becoming increasingly problematic as the last remnants of the middle class disappear.

Inflation and the cost of living have increased exponentially, housing is out of economic reach, and home ownership is out of the question for all but a privileged few. The car that originally looked to be a magical freedom machine turns out to be a black hole of expense: gas, insurance, repairs, maintenance and, “I didn’t even see that car I backed into!”

The job market is tough and many roles seem about to be replaced by automation. Geographic areas with a lower housing cost also have greatly reduced employment opportunities.

The move to independent living is especially difficult for these recent high school grads who typically have no resume, no job experience, no degree, and no training.

The next level is pushed back a few years, to occur at the end of college or apprenticeship in a trade. There’s a good chance this person‘s living expenses have been subsidized by some combination of living at home, parental support, and student loans.

This scenario delays the full plunge into independent living for a few years, but the recent college grad or tradesman faces the same necessities, albeit with a higher probability of employment with adequate compensation.

This person—who has demonstrated the capacity to delay gratification—has a better chance of enjoying some sustainable freedom and fun, and is more likely to successfully navigate the plunge from the proverbial nest.

There are myriad other scenarios, of course, but regardless of the specifics of the individual pathway, the initial transition from dependent to independent living is difficult.

And there’s more to consider than financial implications. The average age of people who successfully move out is now late 20s or early 30s; some studies estimate successful launchers average 40 years old. And first time homebuyers—a rapidly dwindling class—are in their late 30s and early 40s.

The move out of the dorm or the parents’ house or the group living situation is always emotionally daunting, but now—in mid-life, or close to it—the social, psychological and emotional challenges are compounded. For this and many other reasons, societal goalposts are rapidly moving, with regard to careers, relationships and child-rearing.

Done well, the transition is exciting and empowering; these souls are about to embark upon the great adventure of the rest of their lives. If poorly navigated, the transition dooms many to a life of indentured servitude and feelings of hopelessness.

And those feelings of hopelessness can be devastating. The psychological and emotional feelings of being cast adrift—with all the pressure to live independently, but scant few of the resources with which to do so—are largely responsible for the epidemic of substance abuse, dependence upon damaging prescription medications, the ongoing fragmentation of the nuclear family, and the socioeconomic woes commensurate therewith.

Moving Up

The next great life transition skews demographically towards the female population, but is felt by—and can be disorienting for—both sexes. For a psychologically normal female population, specifically those who raise children, biological or adopted, early and middle adulthood is dominated by the role of motherhood. 

This role is all encompassing: it requires complete logistical, emotional, physical and spiritual support for the young persons who are trying to survive to the point they can make their own transition into independent adulthood. But at some point, those children become independent adults, move out of the house, and begin to manage their own lives. This eventual separation is the successful culmination of all that parenting.

When the kids individuate, the caretaker—especially in a stay-at-home, or mostly stay-at-home role—is likely to experience a significant crisis of identity. This effect is most pronounced in cases where there is no external work environment to divide attention and intent.

The trade-off is obvious: the caretaker whose only role is to raise children may have no other identity to fall back on when the children grow up and move out. The caretaker whose time is split between work and parenting gets less time to spend with the kids, but maintains a viable life identity to cushion the blow.

When every moment of the last 20 or 30 (or more) years has been devoted to the needs of dependent children, and then the children become independent, there can come a realization, sometimes largely subconscious, that the meaning of the caretaker’s life has now reached its conclusion.

The results are frequently devastating, if not handled correctly. And “handled correctly“ can mean anticipating and preparing for the change in an adaptive way, or as is unfortunately more often the case, dealing with the emotional and psychological slam into perceived meaninglessness after the fact, and then trying to rectify the situation.

NOTE: This “empty nest“ phenomenon also occurs with caretakers whose role is to care for people who are not their children. As adults live longer—and more frequently into physical and mental senescence— the people who take care of them find themselves in the same situation when their charges eventually die.

For many in today’s world, this is a catastrophic “double-whammy.” The timing frequently happens such that the caretaker experiences the loss of identity precipitated by children moving out, and before that situation can be adequately dealt with, begins to care for the remaining years of their aging parents.

When those parents pass away, the person is left reeling from this double loss of perceived life meaning. This situation can leave the caretakers with absolutely no idea what to do with the remainder of their own lives, which could encompass 30 or 40 years, at least.

I have seen this set of circumstances destroy marriages, careers, and physical and mental health, when poorly managed.

With the right mindset and thoughtful preparation, however, this transition is a true joy to behold. The stay-at-home caretaker is now free to develop and pursue a new purpose, mom and dad likely are more stable—financially and emotionally—and real freedom is possible. Caretakers now find they have the time, money and energy to get properly reacquainted, and regular visits to the kids are a normal part of the post-separation possibilities.

The precepts of Hardcore Happiness are designed to facilitate the successful navigation of the rightfully dreaded “empty nest” such that all parties—caretakers and children—experience peace, joy and stability as a normal part of the transition.

Moving On

The third transition point that brings equal measures danger and delight is retirement from the regular working world. This phenomenon was once the primary domain of the male, in a traditional “provider” role, but for many years the distribution has become more equal as both parents have found it increasingly necessary to work to achieve financial stability.

At retirement, people who may have worked 40 or more years often find themselves stripped, not just of role, but of definition.

In our culture, we are quick to define the very nature of who we are by the thing we do for money, in many cases. Pay attention at any party, random coffee shop meeting or discussion with your seat neighbor on an airplane, and you will hear some version of, “So, what do you do?”

It is extremely rare to hear, “I am a humanist, invested in the pursuit of my chosen purpose, and working to help others navigate their own journeys.“ More than likely that person will tell you that they’re a teacher, or a dentist, or project manager for Lockheed, or a pilot for United.

When we think this way long enough, we train ourselves to believe that we are what we do. This is maladaptive for many reasons, none more striking than the transition that happens at retirement. Because the person – now likely in their 60s – who has been a “project manager“ for 40 years is now not that thing, and has not given much thought as to what they could become.

In the same way that the empty nest transition can be filled with freedom or fear, the retirement transition also must be handled with the right support and guidance, or the person quickly comes to believe—subconsciously or otherwise—that they no longer have a reason to be.

This late-adulthood transition is particularly dangerous. Statistical evidence supports the concept that when the mind decides the ride is over, the body quickly agrees. There is a well-documented and significant spike in all-cause mortality proximally after retirement.

While the transition into retirement is uniquely dangerous, it is also unparalleled in its potential gift of autonomy, purpose, freedom, and more fun than should be legal. With the right mindset, preparation, and support, retirement can be the crowning achievement of a lifetime that it should be.

Transitions

The topic of transitions is personal, as well as academic. I have learned what it takes to succeed in the transitions to independent adulthood, the great yawning void that is left after the children become independent, and more recently, the transition of retirement from a regular “job.”

I have also, unfortunately, lost many friends and acquaintances who did not successfully navigate these transitions.

The entirety of my career has been spent in close contact with and advisement of young people going through their launches into the adult world. I have worked with hundreds of people who have made their transitions into post-children and post-retirement life and many who also dealt with the gradual loss of their own parents.

We don’t always ask for—and are largely unprepared for—these potentially catastrophic life changes. But with knowledge and support, each brings massive potential for joyful growth, positive change, and unprecedented freedom.



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- JWW