Life is a series of unpredictable events. We bounce along between triumph and tragedy, spend too much time in survival mode, and never get a clear read on exactly why we are here. Sometimes our contingency planning works out and when things inevitably go sideways we execute a smooth transition to Plan B or C. But then comes a shocking, unexpected situation of great consequence, and we find that—despite our best efforts—there is no clear path back to normal.

Illusion of Control

We know it’s coming. Our intellect is well aware that there are unavoidable bumps in the road; that “Shit,” as is commonly said, “Happens.” Why, then, are we so breathtakingly devastated when it does? Why don’t our hearts get the memo from our heads?

The first reason is simple: we don’t think it will happen to us.

This protective mechanism acts as a barrier between “what if” and what is, and provides some measure of separation from constant anticipatory anxiety. But the illusion is shattered when it becomes real. When we see the body of a loved one, even when we knew they were very ill; when a long-term partner tells us they are breaking it off, even when we suspect the relationship was troubled; when we are let go from a job, even when we knew layoffs were coming.

The second reason is more complex. We mistake pattern recognition for predictability.

We learn that there are seven days in a week, that those days are divided into hours, that our functional rhythms roughly coincide with regular and predictable day/night cycles. From this, we derive schedules that tell us when to get up, when to pick up the kids, go to work, catch the bus to school. These oft-repeated patterns lull us into a false sense of security about the world and our place in it, as though our expectations somehow dictate physical truth.

But predictability isn’t control.

The distinction is made when our 8-figure net worth is inexplicably erased by governmental regulations and we are suddenly unhoused. A late-night call from the Highway Patrol or an emergency room physician can instantly bring us face-to-face with sickening reality in the same manner.

We are only in control of a small number of variables in life, and they are of relatively minor consequence. But we ignore those precious action points at our peril.

The Cost

We must find a balance. The practical and existential costs are prohibitive for those who do not pay attention.

A nihilistic viewpoint dominates one end of this spectrum of perceived control: “Nothing is within my sphere of influence, so I will live moment-by-moment, and let the chips fall where they may.” The problem with this stance is that personal responsibility approaches zero, which reduces the individual’s role to that of victim.

The cost of the “no-control” philosophy is a loss of autonomy and resilience such that life consists solely of things about to be done to you. Helplessness and entitlement ensue (if you have no power, someone else has to take care of you), and quickly turn to despair and resentment when you realize that no one is coming to save you. Resentment turns to anger and acting out, and thereby is paved the road to hell.

The opposite extreme is a belief that everything can be controlled: “I will dominate this world and all of the processes in it by means of my hustle and grind. I can determine every outcome and manage the behavior of every person with whom I come in contact.”

No, you can’t, and no, you won’t.

The problem with this belief set is that it is impossible. Most of the parameters of everyday life are completely out of our control and therefore do not fall within the realm of personal responsibility.

The cost of the “total control” mindset is that it leads to two possible outcomes, neither of which is tenable as a life strategy. When it becomes apparent that the hustle-and-grind bros have oversold their ability to dominate the natural world, the total control adherent either falls into abject disillusionment (and can spiral toward the nihilistic end of the spectrum), or decompensates into narcissistic rage: “How dare the world and its inhabitants defy my will! I will outwork all of them!”

As is usually the case, the optimal path lies somewhere in between.

A Plan of No Plans

The middle way, when faced with unexpected upheaval, is based in the realization that—by definition—uncontrollable situations are out of our control. A tautologically obvious statement, but tricky to implement. The task is first to carefully discern which actions are possible and which aren’t, even (as I have recently detailed) in the middle of the emotional chaos that accompanies such crises.

This step shouldn’t be rushed or brushed aside. The act of writing this list of potential actions is inherently clarifying. Make a list of all the things you want to do, then breakout those that you can do. This is the list of practical actions you should undertake to effect your recovery.

That leaves the things that you want to do but that are not possible—situations that are out of your control. How do we deal with the feeling that we must retrieve that which is irretrievable, resurrect that which is dead, redo that which is in the past?

It is absurd to formulate a plan to manage circumstances that are not within your control. After you control those elements that are controllable, the rest must simply be accepted.

This part will hurt. A mindset of calm surrender may soften and shorten the emotional journey, insofar as you can manage it.

But what of the real-life, logistical fallout? How do you rebuild when the direction isn’t immediately apparent and the goal is ill-defined?

I wish I had some great, actionable advice to make your life easier. But this is a practical question which will be determined by your real life circumstances and resources, which means it will be different for every person.

What is constant for every person in this situation is the necessity for optimism and resolve.

No Clear Path

What do you do when there’s no clear path?

The best you can. Aim high and move forward.



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- JWW